Produced by Bob Rivers
Performed by Bob Rivers, Brian Silva

Lyrics for The Twelve Pains of Christmas:

The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Angry husband:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Man getting over being drunk:
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Exhausted man:
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Nervous wife:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Nervous wife’s husband:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I’m tryin’ to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
Whining kid:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities
And whataya mean “YOUR in-laws”?!?
Five months of bills!
Oh, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
A tired father:
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers!
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
A mother:
“Batteries Not Included”
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN’!!!
Get a job, ya bum!
Oh, facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
A male couch potato:
Stale TV specials
“Batteries Not Included”
No parking spaces
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
Charities!
She’s a witch…I hate her!
Five months of bills!
Oh, I don’t even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who’s got the toilet paper, huh?
Get a flashlight…I blew a fuse!!
And finding a Christmas tree